Abstract
This study explores the performative rectitude of plutocratic appeasement in the fiscal rhetoric of former U.S. President Donald J. Trump, particularly in his post-presidential commitment to “return to exclusively screwing over poor people,” as reported in The Onion (2024). Through a statistically irrelevant survey sample of 17 hedge fund managers, 4 baristas, and one guy named “Chaz” who owns a yacht named Tax Haven II, this paper demonstrates that Trump’s statements are not only consistent with historical trends of class warfare masquerading as populism but also mark a pivotal return to fiscal sadism as policy.
Introduction
In the pantheon of economic gaslighting, few figures have outperformed Donald Trump. Where others whispered trickle-down promises, he shouted tax cuts while juggling golden golf clubs. His recent reassurances to Wall Street—that the economic boot would once again be planted firmly on the necks of the impoverished—signify a return to form: a Renaissance of Reaganomics, minus the dignity.
Methodology
Using data scraped from deleted Parler posts, 400 hours of Fox Business segments, and a cryptic tweet by Elon Musk (“The poor? lol”), we developed the FSP Index (Fiscal Sadism Probability), a proprietary algorithm based on the number of times the word “tremendous” was used during press conferences about SNAP benefits.
We also employed Rhetorical Ethno-Forensics (a field I invented after two Monster Energy drinks) to decode the underlying enthymemes in Trump’s speech, drawing heavily from Aristotle’s Rhetoric, which teaches us that persuasion hinges not on logic, but on the volume of one’s microphone and the size of one’s yacht.
Results
- 93% of surveyed billionaires reported feeling “emotionally safe” again after Trump’s statement, up from 41% during the “brief, terrifying reign of empathy” under Biden.
- 70% of poor respondents reported feeling “unsure whether it was a joke.” (It wasn’t.)
- The FSP Index rose by 22.4 points (± 0.01% margin of error, who’s counting), signaling a significant uptick in “acceptable cruelty.”
A regression analysis also revealed a 1:1 correlation between the number of Rolexes worn at Davos and the belief that “poverty is a mindset.”
Discussion
This isn’t just policy. This is class cosplay weaponized. Trump’s message—”Don’t worry, I’ll go back to just f***ing over poor people”—is the rhetorical equivalent of a warm glass of plutonium tea served with a monocle. It’s a masterstroke of forensic oratory aimed not at the masses, but at the boardrooms: a sycophantic serenade to those who believe empathy should be tax-deductible.
Aristotle would weep. Or invest.
Conclusion
We conclude that Trump’s Wall Street reassurance marks a paradigmatic shift back to the comforting sociopathy of pre-pandemic economic cruelty. Future studies should focus on the neurological impacts of sustained cognitive dissonance in voters who believe billionaires are “just like us.”
References
- Aristotle, Rhetoric, circa 350 BCE, translated by a guy who definitely didn’t vote.
- The Onion: Trump assures Wallstreet he’ll go back to just fucking over poor people soon. (2025)
- “Trust Fund Tantrums and Late-Stage Capitalism: A Romance,” The Brookings Parody Institute, 2023.
- Musk, E. (2024). “lol” [Tweet].
- Bezos, J. (2021). Why I Bought the Moon.
- Source: A spreadsheet I found in a dream.
Reader Comment of the Week:
“This study changed my life. I now wear two monocles and only eat gold-flaked soup.” – @FreeMarketsForever69